The Last Resort

A light in the rain

Stays open for the weary

A respite from pain

One Day at a Time

Good morning! I wrote this reflection in 2011 about a year after experiencing a psychotic break, which is commonly referred to as a nervous breakdown. I kept in the present tense, because it was written that way and I like the flow of it. Today, in 2103, I am better than okay. I have experienced just a few break-through symptoms of bipolar, which have been well managed with treatment. Yet, I choose to remember those dark days when one day at a time was all I could manage. I did complete a memoir, titled Stress Fracture: A Memoir of Psychosis, which details the year of recovery. I am not sure if the manuscript will see publication, yet I am shopping it to agents and considering self publishing.

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Today, I am okay. And really that is all anyone can have or request.

Someday, I may kill myself. It happens to people like me: people who share my diagnosis. But as for today, I am okay. The symptoms do not infiltrate with devastation.

People like me make up an approximate 2.6 percent of the population. People like me sit in prisons. People like me destroy families. People like me are feared. But, today I am okay.

I have a mental illness. It’s not just a case of the blues or an episode of extravagance. It’s something rooted with a firm grasp attempting to rob sanity.

Bipolar is what they call it today. They used to say Manic-Depressive. They think the word Bipolar offers a better description of the teeter totter of symptoms. It is classified in the mood-disorder family residing with Unipolar Depression. With Bipolar Disorder, the pendulum swings from this hopeless pole to mania: a welcome reprise from the other. Back and forth seems more accurate that up and down, but it’s a mixed bag of extremes that are often swirled together.

This companion of mine, a steady uninvited guest, is less straightforward than what is written in a text or reference book. Trumping the predictable highs and lows, have been episodes polluted with hallucinations and delusions. I have seen things that are not there. I have believed distortion. The truth was hard to recognize. They tweaked my diagnosis: Bipolar Disorder with Psychotic Features.

The researchers work. They believe. They try to find a way to understand. They seek wisdom, validity, and solution. They break this illness farther into categories I and II, which describe variations of the disorder. The outcomes of bipolar manifest uniquely in each person afflicted.  

Without a measuring stick the doctors probe and jab and question. They find commonalities to their lists, they make educated assumptions. Believing their assessment is the way to hope. The alternative hurts too much.

Denial, a cousin to the disorder, tempts logic. It casts Doubt’s shadows. Denial’s attraction is to believe instead this category of sickness is hogwash. It classifies the previous description as weakness. It serves to forego a scientific treatment and rather prescribes to dress with gumption and arm with willpower making a way without treatment.

I put my faith in the doctors. I believe the research. I owe it to myself to have a majority of days where I am okay. I owe it to society to be productive. The hope they give is balance. With this, I can navigate life with promise.

I keep a belief in a higher power. I ask the creator for grace as I carry a burden. Hurdles do not make us special: we all come across one or another. I call mine bipolar. You may have a different obstacle. Call it a cross to bear if that resonates with your education. Mine is real. It comes, it stays, and it’s chronic. I treat the symptoms; I walk with optimism waiting with anticipation for the advancement that cures this monster.

I keep hope. I trust those who love me, when I know not to trust myself. Today, however, I am okay.

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Thank you for reading.

Make the time for the possible!

Sometimes I read more than I write. Sometimes the opposite is true. I follow a blog about Manitowoc’s performing arts center: The Capitol Civic Centre, which is written by its executive Director Matt Schliesman. (http://capitoled.wordpress.com/) The blog provides promotion for upcoming shows and projects happening at the historic gem located in our community’s historic downtown; Mr. Schliesman also writes about creativity and its spirit. 

 “Opportunity has come to me in many terms, so has necessity,” Matt Schliesman wrote.

The above quote makes me think of how I often times have focused more on the necessities in life rather than the opportunities. I have long struggled to reconcile my need to write creatively with finding an avenue to provide for my necessities. The latter cannot be ignored. Yet, the concept of reconciliation is fitting. Hunger for the necessities can cure writer’s block — even if it can’t always allow for the pursuit of less saleable writing such as poetry and fiction. However, if we spend all our time focusing on acquiring necessities with a traditional “real job,” it leaves a deficit in the time we can devote to following opportunities. How does one live without necessities? How does one live while ignoring opportunities, especially the ones hidden in your own innate talents and passions?

With each year that slips by, minute by minute, we lose something. Time. Chances. Possibilities. We squander our limited resource on the should-dos rather than the could-dos. Sometimes, we fail to make progress on either resulting in anxiety, regret, and depression. Paralysis to action is fueled by fear and indecision. We settle. Settle for what comes our way. Robert Frost talks about creating our own path rather than following a paved road. The only problem is the paved road leads to a destination. The question is: is this place where you want to be? The problem with forging your way to the unknown is you, the traveler, knows not where it leads and there is no clue to when you have arrived.

The epiphany of arrival and contentedness is elusive. You cannot capture it and store it, but rather continue to seek it and recognize it.

Indecisiveness is crippling. Hesitation leads to missed opportunities. Courage may be the most important of all necessities. Without courage we have no mechanism for overcoming fear.